Queen, stop being so hard on yourself for choosing the wrong person. Stop beating yourself up for not walking away sooner. Stop criticizing yourself when you're already doing your best. You must accept that life will never be perfect because you're a human, not a robot. You were not created with a preprogrammed system that controls all your functions. You must accept that life is a journey of trial and error. You need to make accommodations for them.
When I was going through my healing process, I went 5 years without a man. No dating. No kissing. No sex. Not even holding hands. And guess what? Finally, the right man came along and I fell in love. But guess what else? After 2 years, I realized that he was still not the right one. He had become emotionally abusive and then one day he raised his hand to hit me during a disagreement.
Did I feel bad about it? Yes, a little. But I never shed a tear or lost one night of rest because instead of focusing on the negative, I chose to see the positive. And the positive is that I didn't stick around and wait for it to get worse like I did in past abusive relationships. I didn't blame myself for their actions. I didn't accept the manipulating excuses and fake apologies. I didn't answer the calls or respond to the messages. I didn't listen to the advice of all the flying monkeys he sent to beg my forgiveness on his behalf.
I had seen it all before and I knew exactly how it would end so I made a clean break and walked away. Was it easy? Hell, no. It's never easy walking away from someone you love. But because I had learned to love myself, I knew it was necessary to let him go. I had learned from my past mistakes and that is progress to be proud of.
I didn't waste my time trying to give birth to an Ishmael when God promised me an Isaac. And because I didn't waste my time trying to breathe life into a dead situation, not long afterwards my Isaac came along. We're now very happily married and he's the most wonderful man I've ever known. With him, I feel safe and I'm free to just be me. He's not perfect, but he's perfect enough for me.
Healing doesn't make you a super human who is beyond making mistakes. It makes you a wiser human who recognizes and learns from your mistakes. So, pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for the progress you've made...no matter how small it might seem. Small steps can still get you to your destination as long as you don't give up. And please be mindful and always remember that the Ishmael always comes before the Isaac.