Sometimes, we're quick to say what we will never do. When I was younger, I had a whole list of NEVERS. But as I got older, I realized that I was NEVERING like I had NEVER NEVERED before. And after all the NEVERING, I took a closer evaluation and it surprised me how different my mindset was about the things I said I'd never do.
It's like we set boundaries to make ourselves better, but then we later compromise those boundaries and wonder why the better hasn't come. I remember saying there's no way I'd ever let a man hit me and get away with it. But when a man hit me, I tolerated it. Why? Because I allowed what was best for someone else to supersede what was best for me. I compromised my boundaries.
Yes, he was hurting me but at the same time he was saying he loves me and he needs me and he can't live without me. Yes, he was hurting me, but I had told him I love him and I promised him I wouldn't turn my back on him like everyone else.
And so I took the hurt to prove my love. I took the hurt to prove my loyalty. I took the hurt to prove my strength. I took the hurt over and over again. And no matter how broken I became, I still kept trying to be the backbone that held him up. Then one day, I found myself sitting in the emergency room with as doctor telling me that I was lucky to be alive.
I had allowed my love for him to become greater than the love I had for myself. It took me an extremely long time to overcome the emotional damage. Years of allowing myself to be broken by one abusive man after the other. Now that I've overcome it, I can see the positive side of it. It taught me a very valuable lesson. It taught me to NEVER compromise the boundaries I set to protect myself.
Stop beating yourself up for NEVERING. You're not the only one in that boat. Trust me when I say that the river is full. We're all human and we're bound to mess up sometimes. Forgive yourself and move on. But next time, be sure to set the boundaries, stick to them, and see how much better that turns out.